For many years, the cultural narrative surrounding Black single moms has been a panorama of jagged edges. These tropes perform as strategic instruments to coerce Black ladies into remaining in dangerous environments and to rationalize state intrusion into our houses.
Enter Jamilah Lemieux. A powerhouse cultural critic and voice for a era, Lemieux has spent years disrupting the established order. Now, together with her debut e-book, Black. Single. Mom., she is doing one thing radical: she is telling the reality, even when she doesn’t need to. It’s the grounded, soul-searching exploration we’ve been ready for—one which refuses to sacrifice personhood on the altar of parenting. And it’s a e-book all of us ought to learn.
“There wasn’t a e-book about Black single motherhood that reduce by way of the bullshit,” Lemieux tells MadameNoire in an unique interview. “Individuals have talked round and about Black single moms, however folks haven’t talked to us.”
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MadameNoire: I’ve to start out with the good Toni Morrison, and her concept that if there’s a e-book you need to learn that hasn’t been written, you have to write it. What was that lacking e-book for you, and what did it value to be the one to put in writing it?
Jamilah Lemieux: There was nothing that I might level to by way of nonfiction books that talked concerning the methods we’ve got been unfairly maligned and scapegoated for the challenges of our neighborhood. I’ve been speaking about writing a e-book since 2010, however I used to be afraid that if I wrote a e-book about being a single mom, I’d be a single mom without end. Regardless that I had gotten previous considering it was a nasty factor, it has by no means been what I wished for my life.
However once I lastly realized this e-book doesn’t exist, and it must, the truth that I’d been so hesitant to put in writing it speaks to why it’s wanted. Even somebody as developed as me can nonetheless be hung up on the stigma and stereotyping round single motherhood. Anyone lastly wanted to have the braveness or the willingness to be the punching bag and say this stuff in public.
You discuss how Black single motherhood is usually pathologized. What felt most pressing so that you can right relating to how our neighborhood views Black motherhood?
One of many greatest misconceptions I wished to handle was this pervasive perception that Black males and boys are a lot extra disenfranchised than Black ladies and ladies. It has reached a degree the place we really feel we are able to’t maintain them accountable for the best way they deal with us as a result of we’re so busy defending them from “the system.” There’s a loyalty to Black males that Black ladies have that’s largely one-sided, and it begins extremely early.
From girlhood, I used to be raised to grasp that Black males and boys have been, partly, my accountability. I knew the system was laborious on them, so I needed to do what I might to guard their psychological well being, however that’s simply not a message that almost all Black boys are getting about us. When Black ladies and ladies are harmed by our males and boys, typically they really feel like they will’t inform as a result of they don’t need to contain a Black man in a system that targets him.
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There’s an expectation that motherhood means disappearing into self-sacrifice. How can we resist that strain to offer each a part of ourselves to the purpose of erasure?
It’s important to be intentional about having that steadiness between taking good care of your youngster and taking good care of your self—giving your youngster one of the best life doable whilst you’re nonetheless dwelling one of the best life you presumably can. I feel my mom was an exceptional mom, however I want I had seen her prioritize herself extra and develop a life exterior of me. She totally believed she couldn’t have kids, so she was going to deal with her “miracle,” however I’ve merely made completely different decisions. It’s necessary that daughters see moms having fun with life and having a love life.
I had an uncomfortable second lately the place I needed to put my foot down and inform my daughter, “No, I’m not coming to select you up. It’s important to go together with your dad.” I had work to do, I used to be shifting, and I had tickets to see a bunch I like. It didn’t really feel good, however I knew I wouldn’t be my greatest self doing college drop-off at 7:30 AM after staying out late. Now we have to withstand the concept that we’re by some means irredeemable or discarded ladies who not have a proper to be completely satisfied.
You’ve been very open about your co-parenting relationship. How did you navigate the shift from being an “ex” to being companions in elevating your daughter?
My daughter’s father and I have been damaged up once we discovered I used to be pregnant. Even when issues have been tough and painful for me, I used to be dedicated to making sure our daughter had an incredible expertise with each of us. I had been scared of fifty/50 custody her complete life as a result of I believed it will make me much less of a mom, however I relented, and it’s been nice. It’s allowed me the house to pursue my profession, date, and do issues like stand-up comedy whereas permitting her to have a robust relationship with a hands-on dad.
Whenever you cease considering of them as your ex and consider them as your youngster’s father or mother, that’s the correct context. Our relationship is not the results of what occurred between us; it’s primarily based on the way forward for our youngster. Having a toddler each different weekend isn’t co-parenting; that’s simply taking the youngsters to IHOP. You should be the one getting your child up and taking them to highschool. I feel co-parenting is the long run, involving dads who’re past simply “visiting,” however are literally tying sneakers and cooking breakfast.
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Why was it important to incorporate themes of enjoyment and assist in a e-book about single parenting?
Whatever the circumstances of our kids’s births, we deserve pleasure. We’re not “leftover” ladies who not have a proper to be completely satisfied; we’d like time thus far, time to masturbate, and time to relaxation. I feel the standard of my motherhood was at its worst throughout COVID as a result of I used to be remoted and I didn’t have an area for launch. A part of the purpose of scripting this e-book isn’t just to assist Black single moms see themselves, however to place a name out to the remainder of the world to step up for them.
Actual assist is a $75 DoorDash present card so she doesn’t need to cook dinner, or coming over simply to maintain her firm whereas she straightens up. For those who’re capable of take one thing small off a single mom’s plate, or give her the present of a few hours, that’ll go a good distance. We have to inform her, “I see you. You’re doing nice. I’m pleased with you.” Emotional assist and materials assist—the “cash”—are equally important to our survival.
How do you see the way forward for the Black household evolving?
I feel we are going to see extra non-traditional fashions of household within the years to return, like two besties deciding to be mothers collectively as a result of they love one another and each need to father or mother. We will even proceed to see extra single mothers by alternative. I feel extra ladies than we acknowledge have gone into single parenthood totally figuring out they have been going to be doing on the very least nearly all of the work.
It’s a radical act for a Black lady to decide on this deliberately in a world that tries to decide on for us.I hear ladies saying on-line that they’re assured they need to be moms, however ambivalent about being wives. I nonetheless imagine in marriage, however I’m extra clear than ever that it isn’t the one ticket to happiness for a girl and her household. The courting pool has gotten so mean-spirited and lazy that girls are realizing they don’t need to punish themselves or be beholden to 1 particular thought of household. We’re discovering that “elusive path” to happiness on our personal phrases.
As Jamilah speaks, it turns into clear that Black. Single. Mom. is a reclamation. It’s an assertion that Black ladies’s autonomy, even in motherhood, is a web site of energy. By centering the dignity of the one mom, Lemieux isn’t simply shifting the narrative—she’s inviting us to think about a world the place each Black lady has the best to be complete, supported, and unapologetically completely satisfied.
Order the E book: Black. Single. Mom.: Actual-Life Tales of Longing and Belonging
Hearken to Jamilah: Catch her on NPR’s Recent Air or the Cultivating H.E.R. House podcast.
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